My Testimony of Resilience and Healing from Abuse


Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you asked yourself, “How did I get here?” I found myself asking that question at various times in my life. I can look back now and understand how the enemy used shame as a weapon to destroy me from the inside out. 


Whether it came from a history of being subjected to critical, shame based parenting, or having alcoholic caretakers and a father that was paranoid schizophrenic, I learned early on that something about our family wasn’t normal -  and it brought a sense of shame. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. Many people do, but I always felt like I was covered in shame.  


As a teen, I looked for love in all the wrong places and at 18 I married a young man that was a textbook narcissist. It began with him cutting off the few relationships I had. Then it was anger and violent outbursts. He was pysically, sexually and emotionally abusive. He threatened to take my child, which he did, briefly, at one point. When I left him, he threatened to kill himself, confronted me at work with violence, and stalked me, breaking into my apartments. He vandalized my car repeatedly so that I could no longer use it, stole finances and tried to get me fired thinking that if I was financially desperate I would have no choice but to go back to him. He believed he owned me. I remember him telling me one day that he had no respect for me, and I felt very angry. I thought, "Well, I will make you respect me." That's when I began to fight for my freedom. When I got a court mediator involved, it was extremely frustrating because he so turned the story around, he had them convinced he hadn't done anything wrong! I felt like I always had to look over my shoulder until he finally moved out of state. Many women who do not have a healthy sense of their own worth are attracted to narcissists and abusers because abusers are so skilled in deception and manipulation. Abusers can easily identify weaknesses that allow them to turn others into victims. I lost any ability to function well and began to turn more and more to alcohol to numb the fear, pain, isolation and anxiety.


I grew up feeling insignificant, unimportant and fearful. When  a person doesn’t feel valued, they realize that their voice isn’t important, either. Sometimes we learn that speaking up for ourselves isn’t safe. So, we learn to be quiet and continue to take the abuse, over and over again. 


Demonic spirits target wounded people and will act as magnets towards one another. This is why cycles often repeat with other individuals. Demonic spirits have an assignment to continue to destroy lives, and they team up with one another in very strategic ways. Because I was emotionally unhealthy, I was attracted to all the wrong situations and individuals, which only served to leave me more and more broken. My life was a trail of abusive relationships, one after another.


By the time I was in my early thirties, I was full of anger, bitterness, self-rejection and self-hatred. I was miserable in my life and covered with more shame than I could bear. I hated who I had become. Part of me wanted to die, but I was too afraid to attempt suicide, so all I did was drink. A lot. And overdose, repeatedly.


I had a brief moment of clarity when I asked myself, “Do I want to live, or die?” Followed by a desperate cry to the Lord to save me. In a string of supernatural events He did just that, and through a small church, I found a lifeline of hope. 


At first, everything seemed great. I met some Christian women, attended bible study every week and began to serve my church. As I grew in the Lord, I began to notice some things that didn’t seem right. I recognized familiar attitudes and behaviors such as criticism and put-downs, favoritism, rejection, competition, control, perfectionism and intimidation. Elitism and religious pride was also very strong in the entire church. Yet, I was used to dysfunction and so I stayed.


One night I went to a Bible study at the church. I sat towards the back of the church and listened to a few of the people that were praying. I was shocked, because what I unknowingly walked in on, and what they were praying about, was a plot to overthrow the pastor. I was stunned and left without saying anything, but they saw that I was there. I understood it was a Jezebel assignment but I had no idea how to stop it. One mistake I made was telling a friend what I had observed, and that person shared the information with someone that was involved. From that moment on, it became an all out attack to destroy my reputation. This was the birthplace of the prophetic in my life, and it was also how the Lord trained me in warfare, but it was the most painful thing I ever experienced. 


What I did not understand at the time was how to define narcissist behavior, or how far people were willing to go to get what they wanted. I was familiar with that behavior with my ex-husband, but I didn’t expect it in the church. I did not expect betrayal from those I considered family. These were people that were in positions of trust and leadership. Narcissists and abusers in general are highly skilled in the art of deception, manipulation and changing the narrative. They know how to draw people in to gain their trust, and often don't show their true colors until much later. Narcissists, psychopaths and abusers all have similar traits in common. They know how to convey disappointment so that others feel they can never seem to measure up. This leaves people feeling like they should try harder to please them. Narcissists also know how to punish people by withholding love, attention or words of affirmation, which causes people to feel as though they have to walk on eggshells not to upset them. Narcs and abusers manipulate and hurt others deliberately. The fact that they can turn it off and on at will, depending on who they are having a relationship with, is evidence that they are in control of their actions, and they know exactly what they are doing. They often lie convincingly and believe their own lies, which makes them appear so genuine when they lie to others. Abusers cannot seem to take responsibility for their actions, and constantly shift the blame to others. It is so important to discern the truth through prayer, because people will misread situations if they only listen to what others are saying, and not depending on the Holy Spirit for truth and discernment. There were several narcissists in this little church I attended, and others were among the family of enablers.


During this extremely difficult time in my life, there were meetings and accusations, but the Lord told me not to defend myself. That was incredibly difficult but I realized those people had already made their judgments and aligned with the accuser, so it wouldn’t have made a difference. It took a long time to figure out that what was going on was spiritual abuse. Religious abuse can be much more subtle in the fact that it uses manipulation of scripture to control people, using guilt, shame and condemnation, so it's a slower process and disguised differently than domestic abuse. Spiritual abuse appeals to a person's desire to want to do the right thing and be honorable before God, and there was also a strong sense of fear and intimidation. There was a lot going on behind the scenes to destroy the church through gossip, suspicion, and accusations. People would drive by my home, follow me and take pictures, even a few very aggressive confrontations by a couple of them. There were attacks on my teenage daughter, public shaming and more. It felt like there was no place to escape the constant stress and anxiety. I could hardly believe this type of behavior came from "church people," but it did. Abusers and especially narcissists will not relent until they cause an emotional break in their victims. This deprives the target of their dignity, self-confidence, self-worth and their sense of autonomy. They have to feel as if they won and have control over their targets.


I had never been healed from the abuse I endured before all this happened. I was broken coming into the church, but the enemy wasn’t satisfied until I was completely shattered. One of the absolute worst things was when certain people  put spyware on my computer at the church as well as the pastor’s, and then compiled various emails at random trying to build a case against us. They wanted to create suspicion and they mailed these packets (anonymously, of course) to people in the church, people in other churches and pastoral networks in an attempt to destroy our credibility from anyone that might know us. Later I found out that people that I thought were friends knew this was going on but didn’t say anything because they didn’t want to get involved. I felt completely ambushed and embarrassed. I had no idea what had been sent to others; all I knew was I was being accused of having an inappropriate relationship with the pastor. This caused an enormous amount of anger, anxiety, rejection, shame, and wounding. It also released offense, judgement and discord into the body of Christ. I felt betrayed by the body, betrayed by leaders, and distrustful of other Christians. I often felt, “Where do I go from here?” I did not know how to recover. The church was supposed to be the place of healing, yet it was the last place I felt I could trust.


 I felt extreme fear, anxiety, and traumatized. The pastor and I both felt completely overwhelmed, knowing we had already lost the battle. I won’t go into details regarding his personal life struggles during that time except to say that the people that were involved in destroying him were the closest to him, both at home and in the church. The betrayal ran very deep. The behavior of a narcissist is carefully and deliberately orchestrated, depending on who they are dealing with, and the story that was public was not the whole truth. Those that are guilty never tell on themselves because it doesn’t suit their narrative. Factions, jealousy, pride, competition, sexual immorality, slander, and impurity are evil influences that invaded the church. People looked for others to accuse in an attempt to deflect attention away from themselves. 


And then, largely because of all the opposition against us that had been going on for a long time, we began to thoroughly discuss all the events that had transpired and the night I had walked in on the prayer meeting. We became closer because we felt everyone else was against us. I kept thinking the truth would eventually prevail, but it didn’t. And, when it became obvious that the battle was lost - even though we had not done anything wrong up to that point - it wasn't long after that when we both lost our conviction to resist temptation. We were worn out and worn down from the battle. Have you ever felt weak? Have you ever felt extremely alone in a battle and long for someone to understand your pain? Have you ever been so crushed that you were willing to sacrifice your convictions for love and comfort? That is where we were at that time. Spiritual warfare is real, and people put the enemy on assignment with the words they speak. It ended up taking us down, in part because we had absolutely no prayer protection left. We ended up falling in love, left the church, and started a new life. It wasn’t that simple, of course. It was messy and ugly. There were prank phone calls and voicemail messages, scathing emails, hate mail with word curses, and other harrassment for a long, long time. We both take responsibility for our wrongdoing. Inappropriate things happened that I won’t try to justify, but this story is about more than us being tempted and falling into sin. It started with a great deal of lonliness and brokenness in both of our lives, living with situations that were beyond intolerable, feeling completely abandoned, the discovery of a plot for a church takeover, and trauma inflicted by some very evil minded people. Our story deals with soul wounds and deep trauma. This church was spiritually sick, but hid it behind masks of pride, pretense and hypocrisy. The enemy already had control of the church and the members couldn't see how they cooperated with his plan.


You may be asking the question, “Why didn’t you just leave? I’ll tell you why. I was outnumbered by people with credibility in the community and I didn’t think anyone would believe me. My self esteem and confidence were lower than they had ever been. I did not know how to handle the situation. There was a family of enablers surrounding these people. Some people also misused scripture to make me feel that I should cover the sins of others “in love” or turn the other cheek. During the time that they had put spyware on our computers, (this spanned about 6-8 months), several of the key people (the narcissists) suddenly began to treat me a little better, and I thought perhaps the situation was changing for the better. They were really just trying to keep me confused as to what they were doing behind the scenes. It ended up making me feel very unsure as to the right "Christian" thing to do. God allowed me to see the exposure of evil so that I would recognize it and discern the spirits at work, but it came at the sacrifice of my reputation and dignity. I was embarrassed that this was going on in my church and didn’t want to expose it to public scrutiny. But aside from that, my pastor became my dear friend, and he was under heavy attack, too. I couldn't leave him alone with the wolves.


The enemy has taunted me over the years by asking, “What’s the point of trying to tell your story? Who do you think is going to believe you?” I think there are actually a lot of people that will believe me, because if anyone has experience with a narc or an abuser, they know how confusing and twisted things can become. It's the story you don't want to tell - and the one the enemy is AFRAID you'll tell - that's anointed for breakthrough. Friend, if you've got a story you don't want to tell, it's time to let it out. When you unlock your story, you unlock the power of God. The anointing for breakthrough is upon it! Not just for you, but for others that will gain strength and encouragment from hearing your story. God deserves the glory for the victory He has given you! Humility through transparency is the living proof that God's victory is real.


It's been 18 years since those events occurred. For a long time, I was silenced by shame regarding my own immorality in that situation. The enemy wanted me to feel intimidated to tell my story. So much so, that some of these people from the past would pop up periodically and send emails or challenge us on social media, trying to shame us into silence. This went on for more than 8 years, on and off. We had been gone from the church, lived in another state for some of that time, had no contact with anyone, and they still tracked us down. They emailed others to inform them of our past, trying to isolate us from anyone that would allow us to get a fresh start. Shame was the enemy’s weapon of choice. God doesn't anoint people to take vengeance or inflict wrath. The enemy does that. The enemy's plan backfired big time because all it did was increase our anointing. What you've overcome is where you have authority.


We all want a great story of redemption, but mine wasn’t pretty. It hurt. I had a lot of shame to overcome, feelings of anger, betrayal, trauma, fear and rejection. Me and my husband were rejected by everyone we knew. My story involved deep loneliness, isolation, and feeling that we were swallowed up by darkness. It was hard to experience the pain of those we thought loved us utterly cut us off, even when we attempted to make amends with some of the people. A few allowed a healing to take place, but most kept the door closed. I realized that was God protecting us from relationships that were't going to follow us into our future. Some were opponents without remorse. It was extremely difficult to know that some people rejoiced in our pain and misery. To be scrutinized by other people that heard rumors and think they know your story - but don’t - is disheartening. Pastors that shared our story with others in ministry, but got the facts wrong because they didn’t know the whole story, didn’t care to ask us, and were not concerned with our restoration; that hurt, too. There were some seasoned ministers that counseled others from their offense and justified unforgiveness. This also came as somewhat of a shock. A religious spirit was very, very strong, but control and manipulation are witchcraft, and this little church had been overtaken by those spirits. It was just one more reason why we found it so difficult to integrate back into the body of Christ. It took me much longer than it took my husband, but we both struggled in our own way and needed time to process and work through things. One of the most frustrating parts was certain people insisting that we seek reconciliation with those that were the very ones responsible for tearing us down and inflicting the abuse.


Getting beyond the shame of failure and learning to forgive those that misunderstand you is one of the most difficult things to overcome, but healing doesn’t take place by holding it in. Emotional pain grows toxic when we hold it in. Healing comes by sharing what we’ve gone through so that pain can find a way to be released. We had a lof of inner healing and deliverance issues to work through, but God has been faithful. When you feel like all your trust was broken, it takes great courage to allow others to be a part of your healing process, but let me assure you that it is necessary. God works through others, and it’s His compassion flowing through His servants that helps heal our wounds. It is prayers of forgiveness towards those that hurt us that releases our own heart to heal. God wants to take our pain and use it for something redemptive. He will lead us to safe connections if we take the baby steps to ask, pray, and allow Him to guide us.


I finally came to terms with telling my story, not because I was eager to, but because I was so tired of feeling like I had been intimidated into silence. It’s been many years since the abuse in my life took place, but I found myself asking why I was still hesitant to tell the full story. It's not something I wanted to dig up and talk about, and some people would even say it's ministry suicide to admit to this sort of failure; but, ultimately I had no good answer. This was our lives the enemy chose to destroy, and I have the right to share the truth about those events. My hope is that others that have experienced abuse in some manner will find the courage to make changes in their lives, believe in themselves again, and share their own stories. This is how we gain strength and courage to recover from the pain, shame and trauma of abuse. There are many facets of a narcissist, psychopath, or abuser. They count on being able to fool others and hide in secrecy so that they can avoid accountability. The enemy’s tactics should be exposed so people can call it what it is: abuse and injustice. God does not want anyone to suffer in silence and allow pain to destroy them.


Shame can paralyze a person and disconnect them from their destiny. It is so important to find others you can trust to be a part of your healing. I am here today because I allowed God to help me work through my pain. I am no longer controlled by fear. We are all human and we all have a breaking point. The enemy doesn’t want us to tell others what he did to get us to the breaking point. He doesn’t want others to have compassion. He wants people to be full of judgement and criticism, and focus on things that may offend them because that is how he keeps the body fractured and disconnected. Satan wants offense in the church. He wants division, suspicion and gossip so that he can destroy people and God’s churches from the inside out, and he wants to gloat about it. Satan's only job description is to cause pain. He comes only to kill, steal and destroy. As Christians, if we sense something that triggers offense or criticism about someone else, let us not focus on the offense. Instead, let us begin to ask ourselves, "What happened in this person's life to cause this issue?" "What did the enemy do to bring this person to this place?" We must engage with compassion over judgment.


Satan tried to convince me that others would only believe the part about my failure, but not about what had been done to create such a messed up spiritual environment, or to wear us down with warfare and cause an emotional break. I used to think that was true. However, the more I learn about other people’s experiences with narcissists and abuse, the more I understand there are those that will believe the truth because they’ve had their own experience. Religious abuse is just as traumatizing as any other form of abuse. Scripture is twisted (the result of a perverse spirit) and used as a form of brainwashing to manipulate others. This church was having an affair with the spirit of adultery and idolatry, coming from a motivation of selfish ambition, lust for power and position. Religious pride is blinding. It can become cultish if not seen for what it is, and often people don't realize how unhealthy a spiritual environment can become until they are free from it. Spiritual abuse is injustice in one of the worst ways because it misrepresents the heart and ways of God, and once people have been hurt by the counterfeit, it can take a long, long time for them to turn back to the Lord.


While my story includes a chapter on failure, ultimately it is a story of resilience and redemption. Because no matter how messy or shameful things may get, it’s not over yet. We survive by telling ourselves, “It’s only a chapter,” knowing that God would never leave us drowning in an ocean of pain, rejection and shame. There are seasons of pain and growth that feel like we can’t get through them, but they do end. It is not the end of the story, and you can choose a different ending no matter what you've done or what the enemy has atttempted to do to box you in, tear you down, or destroy your life. Our Father is the Creator of new things and new chapters! Hold on to that hope. Our Father has written many beautiful chapters into our stories of resilience. We overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony. 


Our testimony trumps all the power of the enemy. Every. Single. Time.


Truth bears witness to those that hear it. Truth will triumph over darkness and deception. The enemy hates that his best efforts to destroy me only made me stronger. It didn't feel like it for a long time, believe me, but God has done a mighty work in my life, and my husband's. Today, I am an author, a prayer counselor and a capable, confident woman of God. I am not defined by my past. I do not chart my course by what an opponent may say about me. I did not give away my dominion but fought to get it back. My destiny is recorded in a book in heaven, authored by my loving Father, and it has many beautiful chapters yet to be told. There is always purpose through the darkness, and a future waiting to be discovered. I am not bound by bitterness, or shamed into silence, as he hoped I would be, because Jesus paid the price for my redemption. He paid for my sin, my shame, and all the ugliness of my past. Jesus also paid for the beauty of a life that has been restored. I found my voice. I encourage you to find yours, because you have a story the world is waiting to hear.


I do want to take a moment to comment on sins of the mouth. There are many scriptures about talebearers and the wounds they create in others. Whether it's through carelessness or deliberate wrong use of speech, sins of the tongue have a widespread reach, like a ripple effect, to do a tremendous amount of damage. The wrong use of words are equated with the sin of murder in scripture. Words can destroy a person's livelihood, their future, their family life, friendships, and destiny connections. What is not always mentioned is the effect that it has on those that give their mouth over to the use of the enemy. The judgments that we make about others becomes the same standard by which we are judged. (Matthew 7:1, Romans 14:4) These are sins that boomerang back into the lives of those that misuse their speech to destroy others. Those that are teachers of the word of God are held to a stricter standard of judgment. (James 3:1)


Sins of the tongue have the capacity to make a person hard hearted. God does not take cruelty lightly! Proverbs 6:16-19 says:


There are six things the Lord hates,

seven that are detestable to Him;

haughty eyes,

a lying tongue,

hands that shed innocent blood,

a heart that devises wicked schemes,

feet that are quick to rush into evil,

a false witness that pours out lies,

and a person who stirs up conflict in the community.


A person that gives themselves over to tearing others down is self-deceived. In our former church, those people that were attacking us felt they were anointed to expose evil. Two of them (a couple) had actually done something similar to their former church and left a trail of destruction before they came to ours. They thought they were protecting God's work by scrutinizing others with a critical spirit, and revealing what they felt was wrong. They broadcast the sins, shortcomings, faults and failures of others. There was nothing redemptive, holy or pure about their actions. The Holy Spirit is a healer, not a destroyer. These people did not know what spirit was at work in them. They didn't exemplify the heart or character of God in the least. Motivated by evil desires, selfish ambition and arrogance, their hearts were deceived by their own pride. The lesson is, when someone attempts to strip others of honor, they actually do it to themselves. God wasn't standing with them in agreement. He is opposed to that sort of behavior.


Talebearers release judgment into their own lives.


Those that act as a destroyer to others, and treat them treacherously by acting falsely and deceitfully, will receive the very same treatment from others according to Isaiah 33:1.


Woe to you, O destroyer,

While you were not destroyed,

and he who is treacherous,

while others did not deal treacherously with him

As soon as you finish destroying,

you will be destroyed.

As soon as you cease to deal treacherously,

others will deal treacherously with you.


That is proof enough that no one needs to take vengeance into their own hands. God will take care of it. He is long suffering, but when there is no repentance, judgment can strike quickly without warning.


In summary, and there is much more that can be taught on inappropriate speech or character issues, it is important to understand that the laws of sowing and reaping are always in effect. People may not reap what they've sown for a very long time, but God will not be mocked. Bad behavior separates people from the presence of God. It's not even so much that God is keeping them at a distance, but the fact that people can become so self-deceived and their hearts hardened in sin that they don't offer any sincere repentance. When a person's actions offend God, the only thing He is listening for is the prayer of genuine repentance so that the person's relationship with God is back on track. Psalm 24:3 asks a question. "Who may ascend the mountain of the Lord? Who may stand in His holy place?" The answer is this, found in the next verse:


"He who has clean hands,

and a pure heart,

who does not lift up his soul to an idol or swear deceitfully..."


Again in Psalm 15, David asks the Lord, "Who may abide in your tent? Who may dwell on your holy mountain?" The answer is verses 2-4 is,


"He who walks with integrity and practices righteousness, who speaks the truth from his heart,

who has no slander on his tongue,

who does no harm to his neighbor,

who casts no scorn on his friend,

who despises the vile,

but honors those that fear the Lord..."


May we all be those that seek to climb higher with the Lord, throwing off every weight that hinders us from drawing closer to Him. And, may we each confess our faults and sins so that we may be cleansed of unrighteousness.


To those who are struggling in a bad situation: Nothing will be solved by staying in an abusive situation. Please stop justifying wrong behavior and making excuses, allowing others to mistreat you. Please stop giving away your dominion! Your life has value! You may not believe in yourself, but Jesus does. He assigned value to your life because He died for you. He came to set the captives free. Even if you’re saying to yourself, “Well it’s not physically abusive…” Abuse doesn’t have to be physical to destroy you. Emotional wounds inflicted by words can be more painful and destructive than physical wounds. Jesus equated the sin of destroying someone with their words to be just as damaging as committing the act of murder. (Prov. 11:9, Prov. 18:21, 1 John 3:15) Words contain power to destroy your self-esteem, your convictions, your inner fortitude and your ability to serve God free and healed. The enemy knows how powerful words can be, and he weaponizes words to turn people into slaves. You can choose a different life than the one you have now. I pray you find the inner strength to stand up for yourself.


To the enablers: If you are close enough to a person or a situation to know that someone is being mistreated, you need to speak up because you are willfully enabling evil and corruption. Psalm 82:2 challenges us with a question.  “How long will you defend the unjust and show partiality to the wicked?” God does not look at self-preservation the way you do. Protecting the offender is for reasons of your own self-interest. Passivity towards those that are deliberately creating injustice towards others should not be encouraged.. Are you the example of the Good Samaritan that helps someone in need, or will you continue to turn a blind eye and walk away? No one that places their loyalties with a hypocrite, an abusive person or one that defrauds others can stand before God with a pure heart. If you know you can be a voice of truth to help reverse injustice, please take a stand and do what is right. Love considers the welfare of others. In the words of James 4:17, “If anyone knows the good they ought to do, and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them.” Speaking up about what you know can help deliver people from darkness, deception and injustice.


To Pastors and the church: Please use wisdom and discernment through prayer to determine the truth. So many situations have been misunderstood because of misinformation or a lack of prayer. The first person to tell their side of the story may not always be telling the reality of what's actually going on. Sometimes people just want to be the first to be heard, hoping to tip the scales in their favor. Many people have been wrongly counseled to reconcile with people they shouldn’t because those doing the ‘counseling’ failed to properly discern the situation. Narcissists and abusers are famous for rewriting the truth to redirect the attention off of themselves. Abuse is about control, power, and the sacrifice of their target's identity. Please refer abuse situations to a professional counselor if necessary, but don’t counsel people with wrong information. Those that lie, manipulate and inflict pain on others need help, but they must want change and be willing to go through the process of deliverance and making amends. Even if they do, it is not wisdom to counsel others to stay with an abuser. Healing from those things take a very long time, and often people cannot heal until they can completely remove themselves from the source of their trauma.


If someone brings up issues concerning another person, ask the Holy Spirit to reveal their motives for doing so. Those that sow discord, mistrust or suspicion often act as if they are bringing up the subject with good intentions. Self-deceived people believe they are doing God a service but their motive is impure. When people go to others with the express purpose of exposing something or saying things that disgrace others, they usually harbor a spirit of offense. Remember how Jezebel hired unscrupulous liars to accuse Naboth so that his testimony was discredited. He was murdered because of wrong testimony, and subsequently, his inheritance was given to those to whom it did not rightfully belong. How long will we, as members in the body of Christ, cut off destiny connections and doors of opportunity because we speak the wrong things? The enemy always looks for ways to cut people off from their inheritance and future opportunities. Look beyond the face and the familiar. What is the motive? Pray for the Spirit of Understanding so that the enemy cannot deceive you. What does the Holy Spirit have to say? This is wisdom to keep our hearts free from false judgments. The world doesn't need religion; it needs compassionate healers.


If you are struggling with an abuse situation, please get professional help. No one needs to tolerate injustice. There are people that will understand your pain. You have value! Please, don’t let yourself be mistreated. If you need help getting free from the emotional pain, please find someone that can help you work through it. You are important, and you deserve to have a life filled with hope, freedom and healing! If you would like help, please visit my page on prayer counseling services. More on the topics of narcissism, abuse and the complexities of shame are found in my new book, "The Book Satan Doesn't Want You To Read," available on Amazon.


For more information on both overt and covert narcissism, I'd like to recommend a very informative article.


https://weenacullins.medium.com/the-covert-narcissist-guide-1e46959a6bd1


Are You Tired of Living a Lie? Struggling with Same Sex Attraction?

Are you struggling to get free from same sex attraction? 
Are you tired of living with emotional pain, confusion about 
your identity, secrecy and shame? 

Recently I had an opportunity to minister to a man that was dealing with all these
issues. Before we met, I did some research into scripture so that I could more 
effectively minister to his needs, and I discovered some interesting things in the 
original Greek language that I would like to share with you. We ended up having
very powerful and effective time of ministry.

By the time we were done, he was set free from many spirits, filled with the Spirit, 
and speaking in tongues!  God can do it for you, too! I started by dispelling any lies 
and teaching him what he was NOT before I could minister the truth. 

There are many, many opinions on what God meant when scriptures were written 
back in Bible times, but opinions are not always aligned with the truth. During a 
Google search, much of what I found were articles that reeked of compromise. 
People try to come up with excuses why we should accept progressivism and apply 
it towards scripture. Some might suggest that Biblical authors/writers did not view
homosexuality as wrong, or the suggestion that a rigid perspective towards the Bible 
is outdated and not culturally appropriate in a modern society.


My response to that type of thinking is this: God didn’t stutter. Who are we that we should argue with God? Who are we to tell Him that His word isn't relevant? The Bible tells us that God is the same yesterday, today and forever. He meant what He said, and He said what He meant. 

God is not a man that He should lie, and people shouldn’t attempt to twist scripture 

into a misrepresentation of His word in order to justify their opinions.


Taking God at His word is simply acknowledging that HE IS GOD and we are not. 

His word is the highest authority, not the opinions of man. Therefore, it is through our own humility that we accept His word as truth.


The Bible says in Leviticus 18:20 that the souls that sins shall die. This is true of all people. Death is the penalty for sin. We also know that the serpent deceived Eve in the garden with this very lie asking one simple question: “Did God really say…?” The serpent told her that she could disobey God’s command and NOT die. The serpent meant it wasn't an immediate natural death, but it was an immediate death penalty applied to their souls, because scripture says the wages of sin is death. (It causes immediate separation between a person and God, and the only rememedy is the blood of Jesus applied to a person's sin). In one fell swoop, the crafty deceiver stole the innocence, identity and inheritance of the first couple on earth when he seduced them into disobedience. The enemy implied that God had an ulterior motive when he posed the question to Eve, “Has God indeed said…?”  

The serpent, appealing to Eve’s pride, took advantage of her humanity in a calculated move. The one thing God told Adam and Eve not to do - eat the fruit off the tree of good and evil was suddenly the one thing that had her full attention. It wasn’t immediate physical death, it was spiritual death. The moment Adam and Eve disobeyed God, their souls died. And so it is with all of us. Every person on earth sins in one way or another, and for that we need a remedy, a redeemer - because God does not allow sin in heaven. We all have a fallen nature, originating from the fall of mankind.

It doesn’t matter if homosexuality or any other form of sexual sin is involved because God doesn’t differentiate between sins. We all fall short of the glory of God. We have all sinned, and we all need to be born again so that the blood of Jesus can cleanse us from our unrighteousness. We all need to be born again to restore our soul to life and reconnect us to
our heavenly Father. 

Scripture tells us that Jesus Christ is the Way, the Truth and the Life, and no man comes to the Father except through Him. Acts 4:12 also declares that “salvation is found no other way - there is NO other name under heaven that has been given among people by which we must be saved.” And, 1 Timothy 2:5 states:


 “For there is one God, and there is one mediator between God and men, the man 
Jesus Christ.”

The enemy of our souls is still trying to spin the same lie that he fed Eve: You can disobey God and you won't die. We know there are penalties for disobedience because God's word is true. If it wasn't true, the mention of truth in scripture would not make some people defensive or angry. Many people try very hard to escape the conviction of making choices that they know are against God's ways. The only way they can do this is to declare that God doesn't exist. That is how they choose the lie over the truth, and can convince themselves that there is no one to hold them accountable for their sin. If there is no sin, and no God, they think they can live as they please. But this is not truth.

The truth is, all unbelievers will stand before God and their lives will be judged.

"And I saw the dead, small and great, standing before God, and books were opened, And another book was opened, which is the Book of Life. And the dead were judged according to their works, by the things that were written in the books." Rev. 20:12

"And anyone not found written in the Book of Life was cast into the lake of fire." Rev. 20:15

Sin is not allowed in heaven. If a person's sins are not covered in the forgiveness, mercy and atoning blood of the Lord Jesus Christ, they are not allowed to enter heaven.

"But there shall by no means enter it anything that defiles, or causes an abomination or a lie, but only those who are written in the Lamb's Book of Life." Rev. 21:27

Every name that has been written in the Lamb's Book of Life was done so before Judgment Day. There will be no last minute decisions for Christ or prayers of acceptance that are allowed once a person's time on this earth is complete. We also cannot make a god of our own understanding and believe that it is compatible with the truth of God's word. We would naturally judge ourselves in a manner that "gets us off the hook," and convince us that we are a good enough person to be allowed into heaven, but God's standard is higher. His standard is the blood of Christ, and whether or not we have a relationship with His Son.

The enemy's goal is still the same: to change our God-given identity into a perversion of truth so that we are covered in shame. Shame and guilt causes us to try to make our own covering, like Adam and Eve made a covering of fig leaves. We attempt to hide from God and put up walls of self-preservation. Sometimes those walls are called Pride, False Identity, Anger, Hatred, Racism, Prejudice, Mockery, Protection, Denial, Ambition, and Pretense. 

Satan uses people to inflict emotional wounds such as betrayal, rejection, anger, unforgiveness and distrust, often through molestation, rape, or abuse or some other betrayal of our basic human needs (Love, & Nurturing, Affirmation of Identity, Safety & Protection, Physical Needs, Truth, and Acceptance). 

When any of these fundamental areas suffer injury or harm, it causes extreme emotional conflict, confusion, resentment, bitterness and distrust. All of these issues can negatively affect a person’s core identity through underlying issues
related to a broken heart. 

Authoritarian parenting, for example, can be unbalanced and overbearing, causing 
resentment towards authority because it denies children a sense of freedom or 
personal autonomy. Male children that feel emasculated can become confused in 
the way they view their own identity. They can adopt effeminate characteristics becauseof the lack of male leadership in the home. They submit themselves to the ways of the female because of the role reversal or absence of a strong male role model. Female children can likewise take on male traits of the leader, protector, defender and authoritarian because of role reversals in the home during their childhood. This can be the result of one parent being absent or reluctant to lead,
and the other parent stepping in to fulfill that role. Part of this is because it is human
nature to try to compensate for what we feel was/is missing.


There are many environmental factors that can contribute to gender confused roles in
children as well as adults that may lead them to accept an alternative lifestyle.
Another important factor that also leads to confusion, pain, shame and spiritual attachments is the issue of inappropriate touch or molestation. Abuse is a huge factor that leads to demonic attachments with an assignment to lead others away from God. These are contributing factors in gender confusion. A person that has experienced 
abuse, pain, trauma or rejection has pain locked up inside of them, and often that 
pain has nowhere to go. Pain always looks for an outlet where it can be released.  Truth is found in God’s word because He is the author of truth. Those that turn to 
same sex relationships often do so because they feel they will be more easily understood and accepted. When there is a fear of rejection or distrust from the 
opposite sex, individuals often turn to same sex relationships because they are 
seeking love, acceptance and safety. Some children feel as if they have a natural
tendency towards same sex attraction, which may result in the idea that they were 
‘born that way,’ but we know that God would not create someone to be gay because 
He condemns it in His word, calling it an abomination. It also violates natural order,
because same sex relaltionships cannot reproduce offspring. Scripture tells us we are
made in the image of God. 

"So God created mankind in His own image; in the image of God He created them, 
Male and female." (Genesis 1:26-27). Also:

"For God created man to be immortal, and made him to be an image of his own 
eternity. The righteous, because they are made in the image of God, can rest in the 
full hope of eternal life." (Soloman 2:23)

In contrast, look at Satan's image in mankind, referenced in Romans 1:24-32.

"Therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to the dishonoring of their bodies among themselves, because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen.

For this reason God gave them up to dishonorable passions. For their women
exchanged natural relations for those that are contrary to nature; and the men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for 
one another, men committing shameless acts with men and receiving in themselves 
the due penalty for their error.

And since they did not see fit to acknowledge God, God gave them up to a 
debased mind to do what ought not to be done. They were filled with all manner 
of unrighteousness, evil, covetousness, malice. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, maliciousness. They are gossips, slanderers, haters of God, insolent, 
haughty, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, foolish, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Though they know God’s righteous decree that those who practice such things deserve to die, they not only do them but give approval to those who practice them."

Unholiness originates from the enemy. So now, the root of the issue must be 
examined further. For if the argument of being born gay/homosexual/or 
otherwise gender confused is eliminated, knowing that confusion and perversion are not of God - then we have to look elsewhere for answers.
Chaos, confusion, perversion, abuse and pain come from the enemy. 

Please allow me to show you some things in the following verses. The scripture in
1 Corinthians 6:9-10 is often quoted in regards to certain sins, so let's start there.

“Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male 
prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor
slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.” 

The Bible does say in 2 Timothy 3:16-17 “All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for [a]instruction in righteousness, that the servant of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work.” 

If we further break down the scripture in 1 Corinthians 6:9-10, it has some 
revelation in the original text that is useful for teaching and deliverance. 

Wicked:In the Strong’s Concordance #G94, from the Greek word ‘adikos,’ meaning
unrighteous. “One who violates or has violated justice. One who deals fraudulently
with others; deceitful.

Deceived: From the Strong’s Concordance #G4105, from the Greek word ‘planao,’

meaning to be led away from the truth, to err, to wander and go astray.


Fornicator:In the Strong’s Concordance #G4205, from the Greek word ‘pornos,’

meaning a male prostitute; a man who prostitutes his body to another’s lust for hire. 


Idolaters: In the Strong’s Concordance #G1496, from the Greek word ‘eidololatres,’
meaning a worshipper of false gods; a covetous man as a worshipper of Mammon, 
or used as anyone, even a Christian participant, in any way in the worship of the heathen.

Adulterers: In the Strong’s Concordance #3432, from the Greek word ‘moichos,’
meaning an adulterer, or one who is faithless towards God.

Male prostitutes: In the Strong’s Concordance #G3120, from the Greek word 

‘malakos,’ meaning effeminate soft; of a catamite,a boy kept for homosexual

relationships with a man, a man who submits his body to unnatural lewdness, of a 

male prostitute. It also means of uncertain affinity. (Confusion, double-mindedness).


Abusers of themselves with mankind: In the Strong’s Concordance #G733, from
the Greek word ‘arsenokoites,’ meaning abuse of self with mankind.
One who lies with a male as a female, sodomite, homosexual.

Thieves:In the Strong’s Concordance #G2812, from the Greek word ‘kleptes,’ a thief, 

an embezzler, a pilferer; the name is transferred to false teachers, who do not care

to instruct men, but abuse their confidence for their own gain.


Greedy/Covetous: In the Strong’s Concordance, #G4123, from the Greek word
‘pleonektes,’ meaning one eager to have more, especially what belongs to another, 
or greedy of gain.

Drunkards: In the Strong’s Concordance, #G3183, from the Greek word ‘methusos,’
meaning drunk or intoxicated.

Slanderers/Revilers: In the Strong’s Concordance, #3060, from the Greek word
‘loidoros,’ meaning a railer or reviler, or abusive that is a black guard.

Swindolers:In the Strong’s Concordance, #G727, from the Greek word ‘harpax,’
meaning ravenous, an extortioner, a robber.

There is evidence in scripture that all those words listed above are actually various
spirits with those characteristics, and I believe the catamite spirit is the spirit that 
affects men with effeminate personality traits. People manifest the characteristics of the spirits that are attached to them. In ancient Greece and Rome, a catamite was a
young boy that was an intimate companion of a gay man. (A pedophile relationship). 

Many times, what I find to be true is that a perverse spirit, lust, witchcraft and others
travel down family lines as familial and familiar spirits with assignments to reproduce
sexual sins and confuse gender identity along with it. This is the real reason people can feel they are born into a different gender. Demonic spirits will attempt to rewrite a person’s destiny based on their ability to deceive them.

We understand that God’s word cannot be ignored or twisted to suit one’s preferences. Many people that are stuck in sin and in need of deliverance and inner healing already know their lives are not aligned with God. We don’t need to try to make them see the error of their ways if they already have that conviction. However, in closer examination of the deeper meaning in the words above, we see that this verse of scripture is not exclusively for gays or homosexuals. These sins apply to all humanity, for we have all fallen short of the glory of God, and there are none that have not sinned against either ourselves, others, or God. We are all guilty of being deceived, or lying, or having idols in our lives.


What I love about this verse is that it levels the playing field so that no one should feel

superior to anyone else. It brings us back to the low place of humility that allows us to

minister truth, life and love to others so that they can walk into their freedom.


Shouldn’t we all have the conviction of things God is doing in our own lives to transform us into a more authentic image of Christ? Shouldn't we all be more committed to living in the truth than being committed to living a lie? There are many other scriptures that remind us of the grace and mercy of God, and the fact that God did not come to condemn us,but to save the world through Jesus Christ. Jesus came and gave Hisbride a commission to not only speak the truth in love but to win the hearts of the confused, deceived and lost back to our heavenly Father - demonstrating love and acceptance of others. 

If you are struggling with gender identity issues, confusion or temptation with attraction to the opposite sex, below is a prayer that you may find helpful in closing the doors to the enemy. 

I wrote this prayer to specifically include the things that God lists as evil, wicked or an 

abomination. If we are going to repent, then it should mean something as we pray through it. 


Healing comes in layers. You didn’t get where you are overnight, so getting free requires committing to the process of inner healing. It requires transparency with yourself and God, and perhaps someone else you can trust to lead you in truth back to your true identity.

Friend, we are all broken and in need of healing. But the beautiful thing is, no matter what we've done and no matter how wicked we have been, the love and mercy and forgiveness of God are greater. His grace is greater. He accepts us, dirty, broken and covered with shame. He accepts our anger and hurt. Jesus took it all so that we could be free, and He says, "Come to Me all who are weary and struggling under the weight of your burdens. I will give you rest." You are enough. He is enough to heal your brokenness, disappointment, anger, and all your mixed emotions. Please take a moment to listen to this beautiful song.




Prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father,


I feel lost and confused. I ask You to forgive me for any anger, resentment and unforgiveness I have held onto from my past. I choose to forgive _______ 
(name each person and be specific what they did) for ______. 

I forgive ______ for betraying my trust, making me feel unsafe, ashamed, and angry 
that they violated my personal rights. 


I forgive ____ for taking unfair advantage of me and making me feel victimized.

I forgive _____ for disregarding my feelings and desires and selfishly using me for 
their own selfish gain and pleasure. I release them to You, Father, and I cancel every debt that I have felt they owed to me. I let go of any and all judgments and desire for vengeance I have secretly entertained in my heart.I turn them over to You, Father, as the just judge in heaven and earth.

I ask You to bless them with healing, deliverance, and acceptance of truth so that they 
can be set free. I pray they surrender to You and invite You, Lord Jesus, to be their Savior so that darkness does not consume them.

On behalf of myself and others in my generational line, I ask for your forgiveness and,
I repent for living in self-deception, for living a deceitful life, for lying and defrauding others, and for any ways that I have treated others with injustice.

I repent for any ways that I have come into agreement with the thief and robbed 
others of dignity, love, or their true identity by perpetuating the lie of homosexuality/lesbianism, gay lifestyle, etc. I repent for allowing myself to be led away from the truth and living in unrighteousness. 

I repent for prostituting my body and giving it over to lustful desires, to submit my body to unnatural acts, and allowing my body to be abused in ways you never wanted for me. I repent for idolatry and for worshiping the wrong things among the heathen. I repent for the sin of adultery and acting faithless towards God. Please forgive me for 

prostituting myself with the world. I repent for the sins of greed and covetousness, and being dissatisfied with my life the way You ordained it. I repent for sins of drunkenness, and being under the influence of wrong spirits. I repent for the sins of slander, evil speaking, sins of murder with my mouth, reviling the word of God, and mocking the ways of God. I know Your word tells me that You will not be mocked, and that whatever I have sown I will reap. Please forgive me for sowing seeds of unrighteousness and death. I pray that You would forgive my sin and deal mercifully with me, Father. I repent for being double-minded and believing lies about my true identity. I renounce the spirits of lust, rebellion, witchcraft, confusion and chaos. 

I renounce the spirit of Lilith, incubus and succubus spirits, the spirit of Pan, the catamite spirit, the perverse spirit, the effeminate spirit, spirits of rage and rape, spirits of shame and humiliation, sodomy and the spirit of homosexuality and lesbianism.


I renounce the spirit of adultery, the spirit of thievery, the spirit of double-mindedness , 
unbelief, and all familiar spirits. I renounce the spirits of brutality, pedophilia, voyeurism, and abuse.

I break every soul tie with former lovers and those that may have been formed as a 
result of trauma and abuse. I send every part of those fragmented souls back to their 
right owners. I call for all fragmented parts of my soul to come back to me now in
Jesus’ name.

Father, on behalf of myself and my family line, I repent for making agreements with these spirits whether knowingly or unknowingly, and I break every covenant we ever had with them. I divorce the enemy and all evil spirits.I renounce all false gods and masters, and the sin of idolatry that has yoked me to darkness and evil spirits. Please apply the blood of Jesus to my own sins as well as those in my generational line. 

I renounce the lie that I am confused about gender identity. I renounce the lie that I prefer same sex relationships, for now I know that You did not create me that way. I renounce the perverse acts I have participated in. I renounce the lie that I am unworthy and not good enough. I renounce the lie that I am unlovable the way I am, or that I cannot find fulfillment in a straight relationship. I renounce the lie that I will never find the husband or wife You created for me.

Jesus, I believe You are the Son of the Living God who died in my place and was 
resurrected by the Spirit of Life. Thank you for dying on my behalf. Please forgive my 
sin and cleanse me of all unrighteousness. Please forgive me for treating your sacrifice on the cross as common. Forgive me for taking your grace for granted. I ask to be adopted into the family of God and to have the revelation of my Father’s love be poured into my heart. Jesus, please heal my injured soul. Restore me to my true identity as it is in Christ.I want to feel closer to You. 

Holy Spirit, I invite You to live within my heart and help me live a life that honors God.
Please show me the truth that will make me free and healed. In Jesus name, amen.

(Next): In the name and authority of the Lord Jesus Christ, I command all evil, unclean
spirits to come up and out of me. Find your exit and get out! Leave me now and never
return in Jesus’ name! 

Pay attention: Often there will be an urge to cough, sneeze, yawn, belch or maybe tears come to your eyes. These are signs that evil spirits are leaving you. Continue to work with this process, commanding them to leave, over and over.


Everyone has unbroken curses that need to be broken, because we have all rebelled against God at one time or another. These things give demonic spirits access to our lives and they must be told they must leave. I highly recommend  the Breakthrough Prayer. (See link on right side under the pages section).These are very long and thorough to close doors to the enemy. Repeat the same process at the end, commanding evil spirits to leave in the name of Jesus. 

Finally, (this can be done the next day, also, or whenever you want another ministry
session with the Holy Spirit):

Pray: Holy Spirit, Please tell me when I first began to believe the lies that affected my 
sense of identity. What lie did the enemy tell me, and what is the truth? 

Holy Spirit, what is my true identity? Please show me how heaven sees me.

Holy Spirit, what does my heavenly Father say about me?


(Write what you hear, or if an image or a memory comes up, continue to ask the 

Holy Spirit for more revelation.) Renounce the lies. Reaffirm the truth as the Lord shows you.